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Wow, I am so not naturally cut out for holiday stuff.  I took a 10 year break from any sort of observance of any kind (unless you count pigging out with some Muslim friends at 3 in the morning for like half of one Ramadan).  This Christmas thing is not a strength of mine.  I totally blame my parents.

Yesterday was a lovely day.  It was my son’s third birthday.  Joe the bigger took the day off and we were having such a lovely morning loafing off until the landlord brought a plumber by.  We ended up sitting around observing plumbing so I suggested we take the birthday boy out to lunch.  Very few places are suitable for a comfortable toddler lunch so we chose one of the Pat’s Pizzas in the area.  Everything went better than expected.  Apparently my son really digs going out for pizza.  He also enjoyed watching the Celtics-Cavaliers game being replayed on the television there.  See?  I can be regular people.  I was feeling pretty good about this.

We returned home to presents in the mail for the little guy.  I put him down for nap and the hubby and I did nothing important whatsoever.  We basically checked out YouTube videos: Australia’s Prime Minister elect Kevin Rudd eating earwax, a Snoop Dogg video for a song called “Sensual Seduction”- uhm, you know the stuff I should totally be admitting to in a public forum.  The point is: yesterday had a sort of relaxed, hanging with the fam’ feel that let me believe I was ready to start with this “Christmas” thing.

When the smaller Joe woke up I said good-bye to both Joes and headed out to buy stuff that would make the inside of our apartment somewhat holiday like.  My trip started at the bank where I simply asked for blank deposit slips.  All the teller had to do was give me some.  Nope! She had to ask why I needed them. I told her I was finally getting my name legally changed and we still had tons of checks, etc.  She told me I should have had that done ages ago, I told her I wasn’t sure I was even going to do it., she told me that I should have decided these things before I ordered my last checks- suddenly I realized this was all no one’s business and that she just needed to give me the damn deposit slips.  I tried to be assertive and asked again for “just blank deposit slips, please”.  You would not believe the look she gave me!!! This is the thing I fear about holidays!  It is something hard to put into words: that tone in a voice, that look in the eye….

I moved on to my next errand: tree.  I won’t go into much detail because I was truly traumatized with choosing a tree.  I will never feel confident I did the right thing.  Never.  Let us just say I have a tree of some sort in my home.  We will leave it at that.

I then had to return a birthday present at a giant, scary, mega-store I never go to.  The troubles started in the line for returns/customer service.  An elderly employee was CLEARLY on his break and snacking on a bag of bugles.  The impatient elderly women in line behind me started verbally assaulting him.  I say ‘verbally assaulting’ and I mean ‘verbally assaulting’.  It was terrible!! I wanted to whisk him away to some private break room in paradise where his many years lived would not be rewarded with snide remarks.  These women were brutal! It did not get any easier when I was shopping around in the store proper.  Christmas is weeks away and yet people are already in cart assault mode (or so it would seem to a person who never shops and is very sensitive in matters of cart etiquette).  The cashier line was hands down the worst.  Only 3 registers were open though the store was obviously very busy.  I waited patiently until I was the next person to pay.  The woman in front of me had (I am not making this up) about 6 identical velor track suits (more likely retirement appropriate stay at home togs).  The moment the cashier started ringing them up she remembered she had forgotten something and bolted, leaving everything and saying she would be right back.  I understand why the cashier waited: the woman was oldish and somehow put together in a way that made walking difficult and seemed really, really mean.  She finally returned with a cartload of adult diapers and informed everyone within ear shot that if she doesn’t “get these for Margie herself the woman will mess herself every day until someone does.”  I guess I will end my store story there.

Traffic getting out of there was scary.  I am asking all you people dazzled with Christmas cheer: do you see this?  Are you aware of the misery and the drive to kill on the faces of your holiday ‘loving’ ilk WEEKS away from the big day?  Am I just paranoid?

Christmas isn’t all fear for me.  I do appreciate many parts.  Actually, I appreciate most of the parts that don’t involve driving and shopping.  Today the little guy and I will decorate the tree with strings of beads and snowflakes (we will be making them from construction paper today).  We will listen to some Christmas music on the radio and I will not make the mistake my parents made.  I will not let on about any of the parts of the holiday that I do not like.  I will let him have his fun and try to have fun with him…

…and, most importantly, I will try to forget  that Snoop video I saw.  Check it out, I dare you.