a lolipop from the bank lasted all day?

It seems every week I get a little more fatigued.  I can’t remember a point in recent history when falling asleep didn’t recall much more than closing my eyes (except for Sunday, when I was a under the weather, but that is the only time, I swear).  I am amazed at what I have accomplished in the last two days considering all I think about is throwing myself accross my bed and maybe watching a crappy television show or two.  Doesn’t that sound like heaven?  Doesn’t it??? Ack.

Yesterday I attempted to run most of our errands on foot, accompanied by the child.  This went terribley.  I think it was too cold, or I was asking him to walk too far— I just don’t know.  What I do know is that we got two out of five or six things accomplished and had more than a couple of incidents.  Incident one: knocked down towel rod display at hardware store, incident two: threw hissy-fit outside of Starbucks until (yup! I caved!) we were seated inside drinking milk(him) and a latte (me, I deserve something for my troubles, right?) as I calmly tried to assert my case to him.  Incident three: planted himself in front of prescription line at drug store (I was there to get a card, not a prescription so he had no business in the line to begin with) and refused to move.  I physically removed him and he started crying out “Mama stop hurting me! Mama, don’t hurt me!” !!!!! I assure you I was not hurting him.  I was hurting!!! My head!!!  I decided to ignore his fuss and pay for the cards rather than leave the store.  Why would I be so crazy to not pay and finish that errand for good and attempt to start it from scratch a second time?  People looked like they wanted to kill me.

When I was walking out and my son was recovering I was approached by an older woman who told me that she had ten children and every last one of them had more than one day like that.  She then told me that when she was a young mother there were children everywhere during the day so no one had to feel badly about a child acting one way or another in public.  I hadn’t thought about that.  Where are all of the children?  I guess they have places to be during the day… but seriously, maybe that is why people shoot such looks of hate when my child makes a peep.  They are used to a child-free world?  Anyway- that woman made my day.  Why can’t everyone be more understanding?  Everyone was three years old at some point, right?

Today we got through things slightly more smoothely.  I suppose the lolipop he recieved (as though it was some huge victory against me or something, funny) at the bank made all the difference.  He thought it was a flag (I know, sad that this was his first lolipop) and invented a few games that involved flags.  This came in handy because as soon as we walked into the grocery store I dropped my phone on the floor and smashed it into a million pieces.  We ended up spending almost an hour at the phone store getting a new phone, adding a line, updating the plan…. it never ends.  My son  (who had not yet realized that the lolipop was food) made up relay race games to pass the time.

The lolipop came to the post office, too.  I think we spent a record hour in the post office.  That boy LOVES the post office.

After his nap I removed the wrapper and showed him how to lick a lolipop.  I think he has managed a lick every few minutes or so: it has been really slow going.  Let’s see: it is 6:30p.m. now, he got the lolipop at 10:00a.m.  The thing is still mostly intact.

Sometimes I wish I was the three-year-old.  I wish I could be so small and excited in the post office.  I wish I could run around and invent relay games in the cell phone store!! Today we planted a little indoor herb garden and he has started making up songs for his plants.   His lyrics are interesting and I noticed that in some songs he is going back to some earlier baby language.  Interesting.

I have to go get my husband from work now.  Then I can sleep.
Sleeep

weekend- not typical

I got rid of the last post because it seemed stupid.  Pretty much any time I decide to post something at like 3 in the morning after being up for two days…. well- I just don’t like that sort of entry two days later.  The entire idea is so much less interesting than it seemed at the time.

I am enjoying a bit of a crash-and-do-nothing at present.  This period of time is owed to me by my husband.  I will get to that later.  Right now I have terrible cramps and a monstrous headache: neither made any better by extreme sleep deprivation.  At least I have nothing to do for a while.  I can just lie here and make irritating moan-y noises and occasionally drink something cold and fruity.  What an evening.

So- this weekend has been sort of strange.  The strangest thing was my dream last night.  I got about four hours of constantly interrupted sleep due to an overlap of physical complaints (none being serious at all- just enough little things at once to drive a girl mad).  I dreamed that my headboard (which is currently in my mother-in-law’s basement and not in use) was indeed in my room and had about a million stick pins stuck into it.  The stick pins were part of some elaborate voodoo working and between the head of each stickpin and the wood was a little bead, or piece of flesh, or knot… just tons of the stuff.  I started to try to remove them before my husband got home but the more pins I took out the more I felt like throwing up…. Weirdness.

In more actual weirdness, my husband went out with a friend last night to see a hockey game.  Well, that is not weird.  What was weird is that he returned completely wasted.  I guess it is more funny than weird.  I guess I should be a little relieved because we are finally now even, tied 1-1, on the coming home completely drunk and being useless the whole next day in the entire time we have lived together (ouch, that sentence was awkward.  I apologize!).  I was extremely sleepy and not feeling well and annoyed but I did not subject him to any bitchery because, well, going out and getting drunk once with a friend is hardly something to get pissed at a guy for.  Especially if it happens once.  He was so sorry today that I don’t doubt that I made the right choice by not saying anything.  He looks like he is in pretty rough shape.  We are both in rough shape today!  The difference between our states is that I have all the ‘but I am sick because I worked so much’ high ground.  It is much better to be in my position:)

While husband was out my sister and I watched “Grey Gardens” and “The Beales of Grey Gardens” while eating tiramisu (I don’t recommend eating while watching those movies…).  I think I have viewed Grey Gardens the critical amount of times one can actually see it.  I have seen it two times in the past two weeks and then something like twice every other year in the past ten years?  I can quote Little Edie without a prompt at this point.  Maybe this is the end of an era.  Maybe I will watch that HBO take and blame Drew Barrymore for killing it.

Hmmm… other stuff from this weekend…. My parents are buried in record snows.  They keep sending pictures of houses completely obscured and trains stuck on tracks.

I keep forgetting it is Easter.  I am sure that a lot of people will judge me on the fact that I did not give my son a chocolate rabbit.  I would like to point out that chocolate upsets his tummy, so there.  As for church and dinner with the family… well, it just didn’t happen, so kill me.  I took my son for a nice long drive (it was so damn cold out today) in the sunshine to look at “the sparkle-y ocean” and “the brown jungle”(that is what he calls a particular roadside area full of dead leaves).  We listened to classical music as opposed to ‘the classics’ for a change.  It felt like the right thing to do.  I actually talked to him about Easter.  I had two separate explanations: beginning of spring/equinox sort of thing then the more standard “Jesus came back” but nothing to do with anyone being crucified sort of thing.  He can make what he wants of that.

And now I am so sleepy I just want to… sleep!  I guess I will go and do that.

red peppers and stuff

Things are so good and bad.  My husband got a final interview for a job he REALLY wanted- hours later he got an email saying that they were putting a hold on hiring for that position.  The weather is nasty ever other day.  My job is great, but it is wearing me down.  We are a very happy little family but our familIES are experiencing varying levels of trouble.  Hmm.

Tomorrow is the first day of Spring.  Yay for the equinox.  I can feel the world perking up.

I am in a good mood today but I am coming through some illness and also just recovering from the incredible strain I put on myself last week.  I am starting all over again tonight!  I wonder if the universe even cares that I am paying my dues!)

So here it is, the last couple of days (in bullets)

-My son just ate most of a raw, red bell pepper just now.  He is starting on an onion!

-I watched the french movie : “Lemming”, “Grey Gardens”(for like the fifth time and I think I thought differently of it this time…), “Fatal Attraction”, and two episodes of “Nigella Feasts”…  That is more electronic media than I have absorbed in a while.

-My son and I attempted to attend a protest (anniversary of start of the war) but I forget how life changes with a toddler.  I just couldn’t take him out in the weather.  I guess at this point in life I have to take care of the world by taking care of my tyke.

-I went out for drinks with some friends last night.  The Jonas Brothers (yeah, my sister filled me in on who they were) were in town last night and the streets were overrun with minivans.  I sucked down three margueritas.  Gosh, tequila is yummy.  I forget.

-After years of being angered morning after morning I finally wrote a letter full of bile to a local call in ‘news’ show.  Ha! Take that!

-I have finally removed about three layers of garish color from my nails.  I am sure the world needs to know that.  Perhaps I will find a new, equally terrible color to paint them before I head to work tonight.

-I have just spared an avocado from becoming a part of our salad this evening.  The avocado has the honor of becoming my son’s “produce pal of the moment”.  I am not making this up.

-my son has just tired of eating raw onions and is asking me for dim sum.

?

though on the verge of being really, really ill…

… I having a super day.  It is that Tuesday thing.  That day is sort of charmed for me.

Though I feel like all of my joints are giving out and my head is sort of throbby my son and I took advantage of the nicer weather (nicer than yesterday, probably nicer than tomorrow)  and went for a nice long walk followed by the return of the Aurora Provision coffee date.  My son is so funny.  He will sit calmly and be one hell of a ‘date’ in any place that is suitable for sitting and sipping (he sips milk, not coffee- don’t worry).  He also engages in polite conversation with anyone who will engage them and will fill anyone in on the recent topics of his life: “salt tastes like the ocean and pepper is salty”, “Da said there was no fire, it was a dream”, and anything about Barack Obama, a man he has become very interested in on his own time.

I joined my neighborhood association today!

Adding to my good news is the sort of Christmas in March (tax return…) going on around here.  We got a fantastic new camera and heaps of second hand books.  I am not very materialistic (seriously, I am not just saying that) but new camera and books??? Come on!

Another thing I enjoy about Tuesdays is watching Sam Seder and Marc Maron here:  http://samsedershow.tv/sammy_cam.htm (except I am a little worried about Marc Maron these days… seriously) while I make dinner ahead.  I am not watching the Obama speech because things like that make me too nervous.  I will watch it at the end of the day with a drink in hand.

So blah, blah today is a nice day- I am pretty sure the flu will take me down at some point in the next 24 hours… BRING IT ON.

monday morning again

I have lived through better weeks than this past week. I was most dramatically upset at the fact that I ended up trading a huge favor for disappointment. I suppose my schedule is the same for now and I have perhaps lost a year off of my life or something in the end but, whatever, that is just my luck, isn’t it? I have to plot and scheme my way into the future but it can be done. In helping a couple of people with their tax returns I realized that the hubby and I have a real gift for living well on incomes that most of my friends pretty much piss away. To us!

Speaking of us: One of us (him) was very, very ill for the better part of last week. I was actually quite worried. He never looks as off as he did. He has come around and is looking better today… I don’t like that, though! It wasn’t such a good week…

In fact, though I am in a much better mood today than I have been in maybe about seven days, I still cannot think of uplifting things to write here. They will have to be sort of random.

–non-stressful moments from a crappy week–

-my little son dancing in nothing but a backward fireman’s hat and training pants to George Harrison’s “My Sweet Lord” that happened to come on the radio. It was sudden inspiration and he had a very serious look in his face.

-my little son (once again) almost toppling a grapefruit display at Whole Foods (in search of another fruit “friend”… he settled on a mango this week)

-my too clever and rarely mis-spoken husband telling me in a sick stupor that I shouldn’t ‘censorship’ him. I guess you would oh had to have been there.

-being a five foot girl at the aide of a basketball team of men who must have been close to seven feet tall- nice guys!
I forgot to mention that my husband (sick and seriously exhibiting signs of being a zombie) locked us all out of the house yesterday! Fortunately it was one of the nicest days in recent history. I thought to bring my cell phone at the last minute so I did get in touch with the landlord… we spent some quality time at the playground playing ‘king/queen of the mountain’ on one of the last remaining snowbanks. It wasn’t a total loss of a morning.

a simple plea to the universe:

stop fucking with me.

I am so serious.

 So– I was pretty much promised a change in schedule that would have amounted to a change in the quality of my life.  No more awake all day after being awake all night.  Today I received a phonecall informing me that the person who agreed to switch had changed his mind.  Not only does this leave me exhausted and depressed for the foresee-able future it stresses my husband with regards to his future job possibility… basically leaving me with no really pleasant options and HERE I AM, FILLING IN FOR THE PERSON WHO RUINED MY LIFE.  Yes!! I am filling in for him.  I have pretty much sacrificed an entire week of health and happiness for a person who would ruin my life on a whim.  Do I care?  YES.  I CARE.

I am in the worst of moods.  I called a friend today to say “happy birthday”.  Friend told me that no one else had remembered her birthday yet.  Friend also told me about her present struggle to, you know, do the best she could to make it all work with small child, bills…. So– I don’t know, I am glad, for some reason, that I am not the only one being pissed on today but it does remind me that perhaps life really isn’t fair.  Maybe she and I stumbled into a huge vat of bad ‘mojo’ while we were living it up in college.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaanyway.

Maybe the internets can save me?  Yes?  People…. EMPLOY ME.  I need to be realized in this world.  Has anyone ever noticed what a hard worker I am?  Seriously, I used to PICK POTATOES.  I used to change diapers for cash.  I have interviewed people on their deathbeds to support my pregnant ass.  I work while everyone sleeps!  Think of that and then be reminded that I am a bright young lady.  I can prove it.  On top of that I have a degree, I am well read, I am a whiz at books, I am creative, and sweet!! I am sweet!! Why am I not settled into a good gig by now?  How about my husband?  What is wrong with us?  The world makes no sense.  It makes no sense!

My stomach hurts.  I have to get back to work.

biting my nails-

I always get so nervous when my husband has a career related endeavor.  I see him ironing his clothes at the table with a determined look on his face.  I watch as he heads down the stairs holding his head high.   Someday this man will catch a break.  He deserves it!  I mean, come on, the guy does not even take sick days.  The two of us are sort of cursed: smart people, great workers- we just never happen to be in the right place at the right time these days.  Good luck, my man!

Hmm, what have I been up to?  Well, I am working more overnight shifts than usual this week without even a moment of daytime childcare so I will most likely go absolutely insane.  The other night I had the framework and much of the inner prose of almost an entire novel just sort of fly out of me after like two continuous nights of no sleep.  It is amazing what this sort of strain can do for the creative process.  The only problem is that I sort of switch modes.  I become like another person after a certain point.  I spent the weekend making lewd jokes to (well, at) my husband and eating things like lasagna.  It was sort of like my unrestrained, evil twin took over.  I also indulged in a lot of deep, coma-type sleep and missed every phone call, ever thing that could have gone on.

I didn’t recognize a friend at the grocery store and thought something terribly horrible was happening when he attempted to hug me (seemingly out of nowhere).  I explained that I hadn’t slept but I don’t know that I explained why I hadn’t slept.

Friends: If you see me and I offend you with terribly unfunny jokes and snarky comments- if I physically fend off any contact, if I do not even recognize you at all just consider what I am doing to myself for the sake of… something.  Consider that and then pity my husband.

This week should be one for the record.  I am almost excited to see what becomes of me.  That sounds a little strange, I know.  Maybe I will write, compose, and record an entire album.  Things like this seen relatively simple at 3:30 in the morning.

I had some memorable moments in the last week.  I got to greet and assist about 10 20somethings from China who are in the States for job training.  I love stuff like that.  I was so jealous to hear that my cousin is dividing his life back and forth between here and Hong Kong so, you know, I never get to go anywhere these days.  I like it when somewhere else comes to me and I can be jealous of their adorable travel electronics.  Why can’t we market stuff that cute over here?  What is wrong with us?

I had some trouble with obscene phone calls.  That is always exciting.  Some guy staying at the hotel for a while figured out that some poor chick (me) was alone there overnight a couple of nights a week.  I swear he called me about 20 times in two hours and then started poking around in person… then back upstairs to call more.  Wimp!  He should have come and talked to me so I could have made him really sorry he ever messed with me!  Kidding.  I probably would have fainted.  I mean, I hope I would not have: I have actually inflicted pain of a few guys in the past, but I wasn’t alone and hard at work.  I may have fainted?

Sorry, I don’t even know what I am writing about any more.  I have been back and forth from this computer about five times in the last half hour.

The weather will improve, my schedule is changing a little bit, I will get back to running, we will spend more time outside in daylight, and I will be a lot easier to endure!

does anyone have any idea

why wordpress would indicate that some entries were updated earlier today when I have not actually even logged on until now?

it is a weird night, so… I don’t know.  I am suspicious of the universe.

i’m going to be more interesting in a few weeks… i can just feel it!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH.

I am writing here because it is one of the few things I have left to occupy my time indoors.  It is raining ice outside and I don’t think I can take it any more.  Take it? Right, I don’t have a choice.  I will be alive, doing the things I need to do, and the snow and ice will keep on and I will have no choice but to endure it.

Things done on this ice day

1- worried about husband driving to work in this ’stuff’

2-entertained (well, maybe ‘failed to entertain sufficiently’) a toddler who is sick of being inside

3- ate three salads because I am having a hard time to think of things to do that are not eating and salad is the compromise?

4-drank four cups of tea and probably six glasses of water… see above

5- watched ‘Annie Hall’ while my son napped.  I watch that movie every now and again.  I couldn’t really tell you what I think of it.  It is like drinking Tang: one of those things I have done since I was very young that I don’t want to analyze or defend… it just feels right sometimes (yes, I drink Tang sometimes: kill me.  It is astronaut juice, right?)

6- hoped for packages in the mail but, alas, we had no mail

7- washed dishes, broke a cup- swept stuff…. that sort of thing

8- made black beans and rice

9- wrote this entry

hmm— looking at that list makes me feel pathetic.  A few years ago when I was racing all over the state and working 60 hour weeks I would have looked at a list like that with envy.  Cabin fever/spring fever is killing my spirit.  I am just hoping the ice rain lets up long enough for me to get to the gym? Yes?  There.  I killed fifteen minutes.

four days: stuff

I just cannot wake up today.

 four good things from the last four days:

-attended a hockey game with son and husband.

-learned that our family will be welcoming a new member: a macbook, compliments my mom!

-learned that one of the guitars from my past will be returning to me.  I am so amazed that one escaped the clutches of (any of ‘em, really) exboyfriends.  Welcome home guitar #1.  I so happy you have not been defiled.

-Lots of cuddle time with son and husband.  That is my favorite part of my sleepy post-work weekends.

four annoying things from the last four days:

-snow.  I have shoveled and driven in much snow for the 132,353,453th time this stupid, long winter

-my shoulder is ‘off’ from that shoveling

-the stupid gym has been so busy.  I hate trying to get a run in while five people stand behind my treadmill looking at their watches

-scary dreams!

list of songs mp3 player threw together for a massive shoveling endeavor:
(seriously, this was a lot of help)
Moby Grape: Omaha, Bjork: Declare Independence, White Stripes: St. James Infirmary, Lou Reed: Dirty Boulevard, Guided by Voices: Watch Me Jumpstart, Echo and the Bunnymen: Back of Love, Vaselines: Molly’s Lips, the Sugarcubes: Cindy, Dusty Springfield: Son of a Preacher Man, Weezer: American Girls, Syd Barrett: Wouldn’t You Miss Me? (Dark Globe), Mum: Moon Pulls, Horace Andy: Fever, Serge Gainsbourg: Relax Baby Be Cool, Lloyd Cole: Sweetheart, Django Rhinehardt and Stephane Grapelli: Limehouse Blues…….. that is all of the review I can manage at this point, but yeah, imagine standing in a snowstorm at 3:30 a.m. with a shovel under that strange, orange parking lot lighting and those songs in particular: that sort of sums up the first part of my weekend)

what I have been dreaming about-

-a dark path in the woods at the edge of a field where I used to live.  I walk the path and up the hill and at the top of the hill I reach a clearing covered with hundreds of dead birds

-I keep dreaming about a friend I had in highschool and some strange recollections of weekend afternoons listening to music and driving around- then it is now and something terrible has happened to him

-I dreamed that I spoke with my mother and learned that several people had been dead for years but I had been lied to about it

-I dream about losing control of my car in the snow

-I keep dreaming about this one scary old house.  I have to somehow figure out how to make myself and my family at home there in rotted wood and holes in the walls and floors…

I need more solid sleep.

the few things I have consumed (repeatedly, don’t worry) over the last four days:

-salad

-coffee

-toast

-dark chocolate