water

Well-
my parents are just feet from being completely underwater. Somehow my mother is still available for ichat. Let’s just say they love their apartment and, well, in that part of the world people sort of tend to wait things out? So at least I have the comfort of physically observing that they are alive and dry and hearing about how my father keeps moving his beloved motorcycle to higher ground. Our storage unit full of something like family treasures (old photos and furniture no one will claim) is underwater. Thank goodness for scanners and my father’s used up free time. My parents were just here a few days distributing things from that unit… so I am not mourning that old guitar this morning?? I am not really one to mourn things anyway. I am more concerned that my hometown and the people in it will wash away. One of those rivers is a force to be reckoned with. A lot of people are already losing stuff. Ick.

This is the water season around there. When I was growing up I used to get so depressed this time of year. It wasn’t the worst sort of depression- it was sort of angst-y and somewhat interesting to remember type blues that creeps up on teenagers when they go through a stressful time personally unscathed. Things like making out and smoking cigarettes in flooded parks and being told at school that there was no road to drive home on so I would have to stay at my best friend’s house for a few days. It was all sort of more romantic than genuinely terrifying until the year the bigger of the rivers took out a ton of homes and a few bridges in a few seconds. I think I was 16? I could be wrong. I remember putting my vinyl and my guitar on the top shelf of my closet just in case that few feet made the difference. The 21 year old who had called at the start of Desert Storm called again to profess his love for me and offer to drive me somewhere far away. Lucky for us the few feet that made the difference were the three feet that the river needed to rise to get to our house. I sort of stopped talking to that guy…

It is also burial season around there. Anyone ever happen across that sort of thing? We do the mass and all in the dead of winter then, suddenly, when all the water starts up we drive to the cemetery and stand around as they lower each person into the ground. Probably that is after all of the flooding. I remember that most funerals happen in the spring. People seem to die more frequently around flood time. Damn, I am getting nervous!

The church is going under! Yikes!

On another freaky note- has anyone noticed how horribly expensive food is getting? I noticed something else today: where is the rice going? I am serious- My brother-in-law and I were at the grocery store yesterday and observed that bottled water was being stored in most of the space that was the rice section. I only saw a few bags?

I am not feeling at ease today!

****Update! Update!! My parents have been evacuated and their neighbor’s house is going under:( Looks like it is getting worse by the moment!

oh, oh, oh i’m on fire-

THINGS I DID TODAY-
made a birthday cake for my sis- Happy Birthday sister
daydreamed about pulling all of my teeth out with pliers
went to the grocery store with my son and my brother-in-law- interesting adventure
drove around in the rain with the small boy for a while enjoying some music

THINGS WE HEARD IN THE RAIN TODAY-
(my son now rates every song with ‘its a very good’ or ‘its a not a good’)
bruce sprinsteen- “I’m on Fire” (‘it’s a very good song’)
meat puppets- “Oh Me” (“it’s a very good song”)
goldfrapp- “A&E”(“its a not a good song”) (his opinion, not mine)
johnny cash singing u2’s- “one”(its a very good song”)
Charlotte Gainsbourge and someone else singing-”Just Like a Woman” (“its a not a good song”- again, his opinion)

SEARCHES THAT HAVE DIRECTED PEOPLE TO MY BLOG IN THE LAST 24 HOURS-
“rise of the monkey lord” 2
sleep deprivation euphoria 1
old testament rapture mp3 1
daniel handler’s favorite food 1
daniel handler’s favorite foods 1
human devil photo 1

THINGS I DREAMED ABOUT LAST NIGHT-
talking to my second/third grade boyfriend in an enchanted bayou with lilies that opened and closed constantly and weird glittery mud
my father-in-law looking at flight plans with a very bad toupee
calling my husband (from the bayou) to give him the answers to an anatomy test he was taking

THINGS I NEED TO DO WHEN I GET OFF OF THIS NEW COMPUTER THAT I LOVE-
take the trash out
take a shower
order pizza for the swiftly approaching birthday celebration*
wash my dirty little child

MY HUSBAND DID NOT GET THE JOB HE INTERVIEWED FOR
yet again- ug, my heart!!!

*people wondering why you were not invited to a birthday party for my sister- it is not a party, really- in light of recent events she asked that she pretty much just have cake with the fam– be sad for her: the cake, though delicious! looks like crap!

me, my tea, and the devil makes three

I am not calling my son the devil. Leave him out of that equation. (My son is reading aloud in the other room, something he does when he wants me to know I am not needed).

Ack. Here I am clicking away on my MACBOOK. Yes, a new computer (new to me). Gone are the mornings of waiting for that hateful, ugly, gray monster to decide if it wants to show me my email or not. This trusty little thing just goes for it- no pausing to make sickly noises. I love you, new computer!!! I familiarized myself with all things mac in about twenty minutes. I did not suffer for it, not one bit.

So- here I am drinking lukewarm tea, wearing pajama pants that are at least ten years old, and hating my face. I did mention the finale of the dental dramas. Not so smooth as I would have imagined. Apparently squeezing four appointments into two weeks is not always the most pleasant way to go about things. I did this all with Novocaine. I have a very, very small mouth and it seems I overwhelmed it because IT HURTS LIKE HELL. I opted for no narcotics and, well, I AM STUPID. A full week later and I am avoiding hot and cold food, chewing, talking… I called in and they said ‘inflamed, not infected’. Good for me. Inflammation is my favorite thing. Just ask me about my #%%@$# Mirena(tm) (sorry, tmi?).

My parents were in town over the past five days. We received gifts, ate like birds (my mother has to maintain the goal weight we thought was impossible for her forever and just cannot be around food), and didn’t sleep. I guess I am the only one who didn’t sleep. People always promise me that they will let me sleep. That never pans out. I ended up going from Thursday morning at 6:15 until Saturday night at 11 on about four hours of sleep. In between I worked two shifts, attended a baseball game, cleaned my apartment and visited pretty much nonstop. Now I have a face that does not work. I almost wish someone would log into ichat so I can subject them to this.

Hmmm… what else. I am avoiding a standing ”date” today with the world’s most perfect… Did I mention that I am a jerk today? What was my New Year’s resolution?  To not talk about people EVEN IF THEY ARE CRUEL AND I WOULD NOT DARE FACE THEM WITH SO MUCH AS A HAIR OUT OF PLACE.  I can say confidently that only a couple of people in the entire world get to me, but the couple of humans who do….AAAAAAAACK.  Have you ever known anyone like that?  A friend who makes you feel like an idiot who just crawled in from a swamp?  I mean, sure– I don’t read ‘Vogue’– I do my own thing- sometimes very obviously so.  I would hope that this would be considered a positive sort of thing with most people I know… but there is that one person… the one person I can’t see this week with a puffy face.  You know, the sort of person who responds to one’s self depreciating “I look like hell today” with a ‘yeah, you do’.  That sort of person… ack.  I need to get off of this topic before I feel even worse about my stupid puffy face.

How can I not feel like poop about myself today? My jaw is huge and I look like I haven’t slept in a week…still!!!!

I did have a delightful visit with a friend last week. I hadn’t seen her in YEARS. She was one of my favorites through the ages… and she has reproduced! That is so swell. So much to catch up on. Apparently a lot of women we knew have passed on in the past few years??? I did not know them so well, mostly through her… but GAH. I am too superstitious about death to talk about it today. Also, an old friend of ours has pics of us up on the internet. I had heard about this before. Some people would be furious. Me? Well, let’s see. I am wearing a bikini top and it is 1994. That means I am 17 or 18 and, well, at my peak appearance-wise, yes? The picture is of myself and a couple of other bathing suited individuals in a canoe on a lake. I don’t think (unless the individuals are identified by someone who knows their present ages) a casual viewer could date the photo. The person taking the photo was no doubt wearing his Primus tee shirt, but you can’t see him. We are on a lake, not like publicly mourning the death of Kurt Cobain… and it is all girls in the photo so our long hair means next to nothing, right? What I have there is a stellar photo that I want to REMAIN on the internet. Yes. I also want to make sure that I am identified. Maybe I can contact him and tell him to use my married name…..

I am sorry. I am not myself today. Well, maybe I am myself but bitchier than ever… and unable to think about anything useful. Did I mention my face was swollen? Is it too much to ask to have a day where I feel unusually cute as opposed to the opposite? I mean, it has been SUCH A LONG past week. I want to feel spiffy and energetic and happy, dammit!!! Instead I feel like hiding in here from critical eyes and eating rice pudding (oh yeah, my mother has given me like a lifetime supply of basmati rice- it so happens I just purchased a large quantity of cardamom. RICE PUDDING!).

I feel like rice pudding, like a human sized vat of rice pudding.

My son is sort of ignoring me today. He has had so much company in the past few days that I think he is starting to feel a little self-important…. like he doesn’t need me! He did instruct me to find his “Harold and the Purple Crayon’ book earlier. He did give me a kiss and then ask me to thank him for it. It is good for me to be appreciative, I guess.

Sifdivjdfu redi vdssfdpogifropibh. I guess I will just sit here looking like crap and play with my computer. I hope to return to this blog a sunnier, wittier, less swollen human being in the next few days.

because this is a time i usually update…

…I am updating-

To be honest I am pooped! Blogging is a bit too much to get to this week (and most likely next week).  I have family in town, I have been working, I have been cleaning, I have been playing outside, I have been cursing my dentist– I will be back in a week or two (or earlier?) when I feel the urge the again.  In the meantime EVERYONE GO AHEAD AND GET A LITTLE SLEEP ON MY BEHALF.  It counts!

hiking and eating and flying kites and stuff

I don’t know why I decided to start this entry. I am in front of my computer for the first time this weekend so it seemed like a reasonable idea. I am tired, too tired to know what I want to do.

Past couple of days:

-kite flying

-watching of “The Barbarian Invasions” (rewatching, for me, actually- because I the first time I saw it I hadn’t seen “The Decline of the American Empire”, I had only seen “Jesus of Montreal” and, well- I have to see the French Canadian stuff, don’t I? Yes, I do)

-convincing children who are not mine to: not run with sticks, not throw glass bottles, watch out for littler kids as they fly down the slides…. I have become a regular neighborhood mom. It is a strange feeling

-eating stuff. Some great stuff we ate over the weekend? Greasy Moo Shu vegetables and some cannoli(s?)- sound great? Sort of was. I would feel guilty… I just don’t, dammit!

-not watching our home-team in their hockey playoff. I don’t feel too guilty about that. I am all set with hockey until next year. Sorry hockey guy we know.

-raking and picking up trash outside. My brother-in-law sure does throw a lot of corks out onto the lawn.

-blowing bubbles. I blow a lot of bubbles these days.

Here are the things I will be doing in the next day or so-

-hiking. I am sure the pace will not be break-neck since I will have my three-year-old with me. I will also have my sister with me. We are going to see an Osprey nesting place and some abandoned cottages and stuff. Always a good time, right? I have to get around to making the picnic lunch after I am through with this.

-getting the FINAL DENTAL WORK done. Yes, I will be free from the dentist for eternity (well, other than cleanings) now that I have fixed my little problem (my secret shame!

-Sleeping! At night! Tonight!! My favorite thing!

-taking my son to see a giant globe. Sound like fun?

poor little owl

(and this owl is fictional, don’ worry)

So my mom sent us this box set of 100 best children’s books being read on dvd.  Imagine the way books are read on ‘Reading Rainbow’, that sort of thing.  My son is read to continuously but my mother thought this would be a nice little tool to help me get through Fridays (the day that I am coming off of one night shift and going into another, my husband working all the time in between: tricky with a three year old).  Today we have verified that my son is not a sociopath (we didn’t suspect the friend of fruit and ladybugs to be one in the first place).

I sorted laundry and took a shower while my son watched one video in particular: an African folktale- an African folktale in which one baby owl is knocked from a nest and killed.  My son came running into the other room with tears drenching his cheeks, even his shirt!  I was sure he had fallen or broken a toy or something… no, he was crying (crying hard ) for the loss of this owl baby.  I had to hold him for quite a while and (I know, I lied) tell him that the owl will be alright (I took out the video and stashed it before he could learn otherwise).  He sat down and sniffed and dried his tears.  We went outdoors and raked the yard. 

Ug!  I guess it is hard for me to gauge these situations ahead of time.  I mean, I am a farmer’s daughter, after all.  I remember being told to ‘grow a pair’ on countless occasions as a child.  I don’t think the harsh words ever helped.  Some of my most lucid early memories involve things like big, sad, dead eyes and the metallic smell of game blood on the snow.  I hated every second of it!  Even the birth of my younger sister was marred with this sort of stuff.  The clearest memory of that day is my father returning from the hospital and telling me about how delicious my uncle’s pig was (apparently my parents had time to drop in for a little celebratory slaughter before the labor became too intense????).  I just had to deal.  I wasn’t allowed to openly mourn the chickens that my mom’s best friend beheaded annually with an ax.  I wasn’t able to cry when I was terrified at site of my uncle, illuminated in the moonlight on fresh snow, chomping on a still-beating deer heart. 

Oh gosh, I just remembered seeing a kitten dropped about 50 feet by a crow while onlookers laughed.  I remember a house with dead coyotes strung along the periphery of the property (I guess it was supposed to be a warning of sorts to all living coyotes?)…. and the scent of dead bear…  has anyone ever had to smell dead bear flesh up close? 

Soooooo- my choice is clear.  I do not have to embrace the barbarism (in my mind, please don’t try to convince me otherwise) of my ‘rich cultural heritage’.  I can chose instead to let my sweet little boy follow the pains in his little heart.  What could possibly be the harm in learning to sympathise with living things?  I know what my grandfather (rest in peace!) would say… but he had his turn.  It is my turn!  There will be no gutting of animals in my yard!

I am sure readers can tell it is 3:00 a.m.   My grammar suffers terribly into my second day without sleep.  I can’t say that I care so much.  I just want people to know that after a solid night’s sleep I can tell the difference.

In other news of my son: he has learned a little more about the negative aspects of the world this week.  He was very upset that one of my friends made fun of one of his books.  He informed me that ‘it is not stupid’.  No, it is not.  Eek.  This parenting thing is a little sad, isn’t it?  He also had to hear a friend of mine mock another child.  Ick.  I mean, I guess he will see that people can be jerks and the world can suck and all of that.  He has to learn to adapt to a little of that.  I don’t want him to start mocking other children’s literary tastes yet, though. 

I am happy that he has taken up an interesting post at the playground.  He makes himself available for the kissing of any of the boo-boos that pop up on a regular basis.  I told him that he really needs to avoid blood, though.  Luckily I am right there to oversee his healing sessions.

This is the kid who loves killer robots?

I am sleepy.  I could be in a very pissy mood but oddly I am not.  I am just looking forward to a little sleep. 

Again: please remember that I have not slept.  Sleep deprivation should always be considered when reading my entries.

novacaine and the biochemical fiasco that was this week-

My spirits are much improved- even though I cannot move my face.

It seems that even though many things are less than perfect lately, most of my unhappiness was chemical (biochemical)(female biochemical).  I am happy to say that life is okay and my mouth is now restored 100% to perfection.  That is right! I am ON TOP of dentistry.  I will no longer get a bad feeling when I see a commercial for a dental school, etc.

I am off to the park.  Just wanted to check in.  I am sure I will have more interesting things to say when I am sleep deprived so I will save my energy for that.

still nice outside…

…but I am not feeling it.  My husband and I had a stressful discussion about future employment this morning.  It didn’t help anything- just made me realize how destitute we could suddenly be.  I am looking for full time work- there is not a lot to be had.  In the meantime I have done so many things that I will NEVER get paid for: volunteering for a rape crisis center, working on writing I will never have the guts to put out there, helping other people with a few of their long term goals…. hmph.  I am having a bit of a hard time seeing the big picture of my life this week.  I keep feeling the same bitter realization that we are four years into domestic existence and neither of us has found an occupation that we build on (or at least remain with).  Two college and then some graduates with terrific work ethics who never take sick days?  Is the world sick?  Seriously, what is the problem?  It is me, isn’t it?  I am a walking jinx.  I am starting to feel like one.  I don’t even dare mention things that are going well for fear that they will immediately fall to pieces.

In other news: my sister-in-law informed me this morning that she is getting married and that I must be a bridesmaid.  That is all well and good, except she then said ‘when you get married, I will do it for you’…uhm… I am married to her brother.  Maybe we should have had some sort of a wedding deal to gain any kind of official status with people.  Sometimes I wonder if it is too late to throw us some small gift receiving event that will grant us a day of free drinks and entitle us to a honeymoon.  Maybe I just want the honeymoon.  Maybe I am just grumpy today.  I think I am.

I guess I should get back into the sunshine for the second time today and concentrate on things like bubbles and slides and flowers and stop feeling sorry for myself and bringing any possible readers down with me.

Have a nice day.

the weather is nice but the world is a little crazy, right?

I have NO IDEA what is going on with this building and the police.  They have been here more than twice this week looking for someone… not someone in a an apartment- looking through the basement, etc.   My husband called the dispatch to see if he could get any information and they told him that if there was an emergency they would have told him.  This made me wonder… say I am alone with my three year old here during the day and I decide to do a little laundry in the basement.  I leave the child sitting at the table painting and head down the stairs to what has to be one of this town’s creepiest basements to toss a load in and what else? Get strangled holding an an armload of colorful children’s bedding?  That is the sort of thing I have been thinking about.  I am on a no-laundry on my watch strike.  My husband agrees, so it is not like it is so much a strike as a mutual decision.  Good marriages are so un-dramatic, eh?

So we have our police mystery.  At 6 this morning I start hearing that someone has set SIX fires not so far from our part of town.  Huh?  Last night I had to talk to a police officer in the town that I work in about breaking up a possible prostitution ring (that may be potentially linked to a crack dealing ring?).  Sure!

So yeah, it is finally nice outside and all but  fires, mysterious intruders (if that is indeed what it is all about here), prostitution rings, a swiftly (emphasis on that) tanking economy, spouse’s potential job loss, death of spouse’s friend in a war?  Not to mention the extreme degrees of hardship a few other people I know are going through now.  It seems funny now that I threw the prostitution thing in the mix.  I don’t particularly care about that prostitution ring.  These ladies probably had their jobs outsourced recently.  Maybe they couldn’t afford health insurance for their children?  Seems like it could be likely.

Something else has been bothering me.  I see this one woman who used to work in a cubicle next in the corporate production jungle that was my first job out of college.  Where do I see her?  She sits on a bench downtown singing Beach Boys songs aloud all day.  I waved to her one day and realized that she had no idea who I was (though we saw each other and talked to each other every day for about three years).  I took that as another bad omen.  Hell in a hand-basket?

One of my former bosses is a paranormal investigator now.   I thought that was interesting.  I remember looking deep into my salad as he explained how he would do this someday… so many of our little expensed lunches when he probably should have been talking about the business of making other people rich but chose instead to educate me about E.V.P. work.   Hey, sir.  If you could be psychically lead to this page somehow… I will do a little E.V.P. work for you if there is any money in it!  My husband would be up for it, too.  Hell, he is up for anything right now!  Paranormal research is a nice alternative to crack sales and prostitution.

So yeah, it is obvious that we are stressed.  I have finally learned about dealing with my stressed husband.  Early in our relationship I used to get really uneasy if he was stressed and try to force him to explain his feelings.  I learned something interesting: his way is better.  Now we mutually acknowledge the stress but work together to distract (but not add to) the yucky situations.  We are more thrifty than we have ever been, but we are not talking about it at length.  Instead my husband has become very enthusiastic about hot sauce and really, really early Alfred Hitchcock joints.  Me?

Oh I must tell you about my little stupid things.  See, the thing about me?  I can’t always keep it light.  I like trash television, but I don’t really watch it.  I like some fatty food, but I feel too guilty eating it (more on that below), and one thing for certain: I never read ’stupid’ books.  Well! Never say never!  I found a pile of pure trash reading at work: ‘bodice rippers’…. it gets better: sci-fi and fantasy pulpish bodice rippers.  I will never be the same again!!  What an absolutely interesting waste of time.  I don’t think I have really ever allowed myself to enjoy bad writing like this so far.  It all started with this one book about a plain (but stern!) woman living in a (now) lost civilization where people do things like ride on birds and wear shimmery tunics all of the time.  Her family falls apart so she sells herself into bondage for some reason.  What happens?  Of course! She falls madly in love with her master.  All of these books are based on that revolting premise.  No woman falls in love with a man until he beats her to a pulp.  How awful! How awful and yet, why am I reading them?  For the same reason I have started listening to mp3’s of obscure (paranormal research again in one blog post!) radio shows dealing with ghosts and U.F.O.s. at work.  I am burned out on reality a little bit.  My head is forcing me to take a break… (I am not saying that any phenomena addressed on such programs are not real, let’s not go there).

Oh, another strange thing this week?  I have no ‘work’ to do at work!  I am kind of just sitting around waiting for someone to need me.  Very strange.  It will be like this for a month.  A month of filling my head with weird stuff.  We will see what comes of that.  I am hoping that tonight I am not sitting alone surrounded by barbecue leftovers again.  So much food there last night.  It was hell!  I would sit there and smell food (anything, you name it: apparently they had a regular feast there in celebration of the nice weather) and debate whether or not I should eat any.   I would see my reflection (my face looks so hideous to me at about four in the morning) and start to feel like a loser and decide that the last thing I should do is eat anything and return to my book.  I would smell the food again then somehow end up looking at my freckles in the mirror and get all upset about them.  I started to hate my nose last night.  My nose is usually safe from my scrutiny… ACK.  This is what happens to me when I get tired.

Oops, I am tired right now… SO TIRED.  I haven’t slept since I woke up 6:30 Thursday morning.  I get a nap from 6-10 before I go back in tonight.  Four hours?  Yeah!  Maybe I will wear a costume tonight…  Maybe I will meet a prostitute! Maybe I will have to sell myself into bondage soon to support the family!  Maybe I will eat meat and feel like bad person for a really long time.  Is there a killer in my basement?  STAY TUNED.

deleted, with an explanation

I don’t like to edit my blog entries so much.  I dislike that less, however, than I dislike wading through comments advertising another person’s religious persuasion.  The entry up previously was simply my reaction to a comment my husband made regarding the recent death of one of his friends in combat.  I thought it was an interesting way of seeing things.  I did not want to hear about hell.  Please limit your threats of a terrible hereafter to your own forums, thank you.   I appreciate that you are trying to save someone from something, but its never really appropriate when someone is talking about an actual person who has passed on.  Save it for the living who are looking for your guidance, right?