BARACK OBAMA

!!!!!!!!
How could I not be in a good mood today? Last night’s acceptance speech was the biggest thing to happen in American politics in my lifetime (well, positive thing)

toddlers hanging from the rafters

Well, I don’t have rafters…. but yesterday was a crazy blur of kiddie craziness followed by me staying up way too late then getting up early and running errands.  I have to stay awake for the rest of the convention, got out-of-town company coming tomorrow, a couple of sleepless nights of night auditing… I never really cared much about sleep, right?

I am in a better mood today.  Sometimes planning cheers me up.  I planned a birthday party for my father.  I want to pull out all the stops and lift his spirits.  My son and I also started writing to a woman my age (with a son his age!) in Namibia.  We like to meet pen-friends from around the globe, its a good way for him to learn about other cultures and I can never have enough friends!

My friend’s tests came back free and clear- I am so happy for her! Now she is moving far, far away– but at least with her health!

What else… what else…. I am a little beat to be thinking of things to write. I have to save my energy for the last night of the convention tonight.  We have wine ready and will, no doubt, be up WAY TOO LATE again.  Maybe I can talk my son into devoting our morning to a nap.  Most three years olds aren’t that into that.

I am little blank so I won’t go on and on today.  I will look for something to post below:)

rollercoaster

I started this entry yesterday, then things got a little busy around here. I will try to pick up where I left off– Yesterday seems like a long time ago, especially after we have just spent the morning at the playground, the coffee shop, walking around….

Warning: a little on the drippy side these days.

Today Yesterday was ‘family fun day’ at work- free passes to the local(ish) amusement park. We didn’t actually see many co-workers but fun was had, I guess. I mean, that is how it is, you have fun- then suddenly its not fun- right? My child was happy to be riding on a little train then suddenly screaming to get off… I was wondering why I hadn’t ventured into the world of ‘carnival grease’ for years then I came home to puke my guts out. Fun, then sick, then sort of sad– The weather was lovely, though.

| keep watching the video of my son on that little train. It breaks my heart! He gets on the ride with such enthusiasm but after one time around the track he is teary and devastated. This makes me so sad!

It has been a strange week. My dreams have been stranger and stranger each night. Last night I dreamed that I lived in some ashram with a woman I never see any more who was singing Hare Krishna songs at the top of her lungs. I took some Benedryl that belonged to another devotee and was chased down a street to an abandoned building that my neighbor would not let me into. I went into a different temple where another sort of Eastern-ish ceremony was going on– trying to stay unnoticed- I was noticed because a pizza delivery guy showed up behind me as I was trying to sneak in. Pizza? Sure, why not?

So the business of venting- I haven’t vented much lately and there are things… a few things.

-my mom has cancer

-my father has some sort of growing depression issue/general disinterest/anger that has been building since her diagnosis (he is finally in remission from his bout with cancer) and since the death of his mother. He is not very much interested in talking to me these days.

-my sister has problems– my brother will be out of the country for a while- (I thought I may as well throw in status updates on the entire family.

-I have an obvious health issue- it shouldn’t be an issue at all. The problem is I went to see a useless medical professional for the pain right before I knew I was going to be no longer insured. Instead of doing any real investigation she took an educated guess and told me ‘we will wait and see what happens’ knowing full well I would not have insurance a few weeks later. A few months later and I have terrible side pain about five days a month and !!!!! !!!!!! I have anxiety from this as well. What the hell? Am I not worth a look? She didn’t ask me about the severity of the pain or anything… she just wanted me to accept the expensive piece of hardware they installed in me instead of letting me have my way (tubal ligation) because, I imagine, it is all about money in the end, right? I don’t want to be bitter like this. I don’t want to assume the worse, but I don’t want to be feeling like this!

hmph.

_____

So that is what I wrote yesterday. I was interrupted by the phone ringing- it was one of my favorite people calling to tell me that her doctor just found a lump in her breast and asking if I could watch her tot today while she and her husband went in for her oodles of tests. This woman has had quite a time lately… actually, I have known her forever and she has had a quite a time that whole time and I have been so happy for her lately with her fabulous husband and child and all of the amazing opportunities that have recently come their way.

The little guy and I will have a little friend today:)

Last night the hubby and I snuggled and watched the Democratic National Convention. I have never been so excited about a nomination in my entire life. For the first time in my life I actually feel good about the thing. I used to be involved in more fringe sort of politics. I have only become a registered Democrat after the Bush/Gore ordeal… after hanging with Jello Biafra and getting my political priorities tangled with more personal agendas… I won’t say that is a bad thing (caring, being involved, gettng caught up), I will say that I am just happy I can feel good about Barack Obama. I didn’t feel good about John Kerry, I just didn’t want Bush to win again. The only thing I felt good about during the last convention was Barack Obama’s speech. I was very pregnant and very worried about the immediate future and I thought to myself “now see? Why can’t I be voting for someone like this guy?”….

Okay, okay– enough of that. Too much to think about today!!

Seriously, it is a BEAUTIFUL DAY. We have a beautiful little girl coming over to play with us. I have a happy life. We have good things to hope about… but there is all of this cancer and depression and the fact that no matter what is on the horizon, money sucks right now! I don’t have health insurance right now!

What I do have is my best friend in the world, my husband, who has decided that we will make any sacrifice to get me health care. Together we have managed to somehow make our little life work on our ideals and not so much money. It has worked! Next year my son will be in pre-school and I will have my own benefits and Barack Obama will be president and I will no longer have pain issues and …..

Anyway- today’s Youtube clip is for my husband. Its sort of the song that always makes me think of him. It  was playing the first night we kissed:) Bad quality… but its what there is:

the computer and i…

…have not spent much time together- thus the lack of entries.  I have stuff to write about- I am just sooo damn tired.  I outdid myself this weekend with the not sleeping thing.  I also can’t believe that I ate pizza (and only pizza).  I feel ill.  I will return, though.

Two things to keep this post from being a total waste:

1- The woman with the same name? The one I get email for? We share a friend on Facebook.  I haven’t grilled him yet.  I may never. I will just think about his position in life, knowing two of us- haha.

2- pictures from my phone- These were taking Friday night from a parking lot not far from where I work.  I was trying to kill some time (I over-estimated the time it would take to get a few things done) before I had to clock in.  Yep, me and a car at night. Night, night, nighty-night.

Strange how night is not unlike day for me (this isn’t part of a refrain for some dark industrial song or anything)- I mean, I am tired but I realize that I am definitely not afraid of the dark nor being alone.

I need to sleep more.

ha ha ha ha hahahaha

Oh man.  Well, I have slept now.  I think I have cycled through all of my busy-week-meets-sleep-deprived madness. Right? Right.  The previous entry was written this morning when I had yet to sleep and was feeling the full brunt of my ever-snowballing sleepy paranoia.  All is well.  Husband and I can have a good chuckle about me checking his email.  So I go a little crazy and check my husband’s email.  If he doesn’t care is it even a crime? Now we can sit around and drink our gin and tonics and talk of how I got through the sleepless whirlwind and how he survived taking my son to some sort of airplane show in Sanford and the guilt of eating an entire pizza or something.

We over-scheduled (how many hyphens can I use in this entry?  Let’s count at the end) ourselves a bit this week.  It led to nothing but disappointment, really.   You think you will do all of these things and in the end its just tiredness and a cranky kid.  I hung out with three different friends, went on two playdates of sorts, did the beach, did another tourist sort of attraction, drinks? gym? work? Bah.  This week? NOTHING.  I say that now knowing it is sort of a lie.  I mean, I will try to stick with my running schedule (yeah, right) and I will  stay on top of taking the kid out to play with other kids but the rest of the time will be as easy as possible because next week we have like 80 things to do including out-of-town guests, work fun day at an amusement park, another meet up with another friend.  I probably sound like an old, lazy person. Maybe I am.  Maybe I am just a person who has not had enough sleep.  I need to re-title this blog “the girl who doesn’t get enough sleep”.

If I did that I would stop getting all those hits for farmer’s daughter porn.  PORN.  PORN. Sure, search for it and get this site.  I am happy to disappoint!! Super happy!

The summer weather has returned.  I am happy about that? Hell, yes! I am not even sure why.  Mix up the weather! This gin and tonic is really damn good.  I am so excited to drink and watch television tonight like a super-American!

Okay.  I need to get off of the computer and find that elusive degree of relaxation that will keep the paranoia (or in tonight’s case, the mild mania) away.

Have a lovely week!

guilty=me

Soooo- my husband and I have this sort complete ‘help-yourself’ sort of openness… Sort of a policy where we are free to read each other’s email, look into each other’s phones… You know, no little secret nooks and crannies of our lives. Works for us.. usually. I mean, we are both paranoid for different reasons. He seems to have some sort of pathological issue with my exes (the ones I have zero contact with) and a few former friends and likes to know that they are in no way in the picture that is our cozy little life. That is fair, they are psycho, after all.

Me? My issue? Well-hmmm. In most previous relationships I ended up learning at some point that I was not the sole recipient of my then boyfriend’s affections. Eventually a conversation like this would occur: me:”My brother saw you with some girl at a bar the other night”. Guilty party: “your brother is a jerk”. Or something like this: me: “a woman called here claiming to be your wife. She wants to know whose number this is that you are always calling her from”. Guilty party: “Yeah, its not like that…..”.

Yeah.

So– I learned to start being a little proactive in my means of discovery. I learned to do things I did not feel good about. I opened little folded up pieces of paper that just happened to fall out of jacket pockets. I did reverse directories on a lot of incoming calls, I looked at receipts… But that was all years ago in what seems like another life. Some of my little habits have carried over.

It started innocently enough. I went into my husband’s email account to open (and pay) and electronic bill. I happened to notice that all of his Facebook notifications seem to be telling him that he has messages from people who happen to be female. I couldn’t help myself. I had to read them. I had to read ALL of them. I had to read ALL of them at 4:00 in the morning. 99% were of no interest. “Remember that time in highschool we all went to” blah blah blah from happily married mom of three from his graduating class. “How’s the fam? My job is going well” and on like that from former coworker I have met (I also happened to meet her fiance as well). But messages from one person were a little more interesting. One started like this: “I was going to invite you to be my friend but I didn’t want to anger your woman”. ???? What the hell? Another message from the same ’suspect’: “Is that your favorite movie (referring to his profile) because it reminds you of me?”. Hmmm.

Next step (after marking messages as ‘unread’): Read his replies. Nothing there. Answers like ‘I work at a bank” or “No”. Hmmm. I decide to check the history on my computer (it got bad, right?). We are sharing a computer these days. Where has he been? Why the man has been to the most boring sites ever. Apparently he was looking at how to hack gadgets and make them serve as other gadgets. Nothing there.

I had no choice but to ask him (thus admitting my snooping). “Who is that girl? What does she mean about angering me? Did you date?”. Answer? “Some girl I knew in law school”. “She was friends with..”. “no we never dated, frankly I had a hard time even studying with her- she has one of those personalities, you know… obnoxious?” Well. So there you have it. His time is all spent with me or at work. His phone shows only calls to me and his family. His track record? Impeccable. I know this because he did not so much as hit on me until he and his girlfriend were officially over (the very week that was formally established, I believe) even though they were clearly on the outs. His emails? Not remotely amorous towards anyone. His answer? Plausible. That leaves me sort of feeling like a crazy jerk. Funny thing? He was neither upset nor surprised that I did all this investigation. He seemed annoyed that he had to explain who this lady was, but not really overly so. He didn’t go into one of those guilty over-explanations I experienced years ago (‘She is just a friend, you believe me? You gotta believe me. You believe me?). Not to mention this person lives states and states away.

Funny? Maybe. I guess the only person who was hurt by my little quest for information was me. I mean, he has nothing to worry about. I am the one who imagined a million scenarios where this woman was some long lost love coming to reclaim the only person she ever cared for….

Maybe we shouldn’t read each other’s email at odd hours. I remember once he had a bad experience reading one of mine. I expressed some sort of (fake, but he wouldn’t have guessed it) heart-felt concern for one of my exes and his pathetic plight in life. I was really just making conversation with a friend- it wasn’t an email to him or anything, just a sort of general statement within a conversation. He kept quiet about it for a while until he just burst into questioning about this person one day.

So, our open forum policy. Does it really create peace of mind? Well, maybe it does. I mean, even though the snooping aroused the suspicion it also helped verify that my suspicion was wrong. Maybe I should just feel at ease knowing that if I want to look I can and leave it at that.

I know some people would read this and feel like we invade each other’s privacy to a terrible extent. I tell you that that happens to be no crime in this relationship. We are sort of all up in each other’s everything and have never needed much space. Its how we are. The real crime was the fact that I immediately vilified him in my mind based on such an inconclusive piece of evidence.

Thoughts?

things that are and are not terrible

Terrible:

1. I have got this @$#$# situation- I will keep it from getting into the ‘tmi’, ‘lady problem’ range here– I was talked into a bit of internal hardware after having my son, said hardware has caused what seems to be a rather uncomfortable and potentially serious problem… basically pain a few days a week- sometimes pretty terrible.  I went to see the doctor when I still had insurance and they told me that sometimes these things go away on their own.  Sometimes they get worse causing more serious health problems as well as some emotional instability “BUT LETS JUST WAIT AND SEE, SHALL WE?”.  Hmm.  Going to see “Dr. (well, nurse!) Wait-and-See” cost about 500.00.  Luckily this was covered by the insurance he had then.  Unfortunately they offered no assistance… a complete waste of time.  Months later and I still have side pain, mood shifts AND NO DAMN INSURANCE.  I am aware of the mood issues now, that helps me get around it, but pain? I flat out refuse to pop naproxin every day.  What can I do?  NOTHING!

2. I feel so terrible about missing my husband’s sister’s wedding on Monday.  We missed the wedding because we had to work- the choice wasn’t really one I made- but I feel TERRIBLE.

Not terrible:

1. The weather was so beautiful!! My son and I went to our “fancy cookie store” for (a non-cookie) breakfast and then hung around the playground for quite a while.  It feels a bit like fall but that is so much better than a rainy day, right? Sunlight! I didn’t even realize how much I had missed it.

2. My husband is the greatest.  I don’t think I could handle my recent paranoia/depression/low self-esteem without him.  It is the lack of sleep, it is the health issue, it is a few life stresses… but at the end of a lot of days I feel like a big pile of poo lately.   He keeps the world so normal, you know?  Its never even much of anything, just an advanced mastery of how to get on with me without sending me plummeting into some little self-dug abyss of ‘oh woe is me’.  I had some whole pity-party speech planned for him the other day- some huge drawn out lament about everything I felt badly about in the entire world and I completely forgot to drop it on him because we ended up just having a kind of regular nice night.  We get on too normally for anything to get overblown or staged.  Even if I feel melodramatic I can’t even act it anymore.  I guess he is just the sort of person I needed to end up with– even if he does talk an awful lot about food before he falls asleep and does some pretty terrible attempts at fake accents.

sorry, no connection to that farmer’s daughter

It concerns me that many people have been lead to this blog while searching for something to do with a porn flick called “The Farmer’s Daughter”. I was unaware of the existence of such a work of art when I chose the title and, well… I am just a farmer’s daughter (well, he used to be a farmer- still works with farmers) and I must issue a disclaimer: There is not much within this blog that would satisfy anyone looking for a movie such as “The Farmer’s Daughter”. I cannot endorse that movie nor dis it, I have not ever seen it. I can vouch for that Beach Boys’ song, though.

Three more mix up issues today. 1) Wife of Burt. 2)Mother of Butch. 3) Emily X.

1). Wife of Burt. Two weeks ago a woman called me (from a number I had never seen before, let alone ever called) asking me who I had called for at 6:30 in the morning. I answered that I did not call anyone at that hour. She asked who else may have used my phone? Nope, no one- its my phone, my hubby has his own- I even checked my call history in case I had mis-dialed (though I was sure I would remember what I was doing on the phone at 6:30 a.m.). None of this seemed to put her at ease. She started on a rant informing me that she was “Burt’s Wife” and that I had no reason to call Burt, let alone at 6 in the morning. I looked up the number using a reverse directory website and sure enough, people I have never heard of in a town I know no one in. The call was from a land line so my best guess is that she used *69 to retrieve the number of the person who called and got a digit or two wrong…eh? It didn’t stop her from calling again the next day and asking what I wanted with Burt. I don’t know if Burt is fooling around or not… anyway: Thanks a lot Burt!!!!
2) Butch’s Mom: My cell phone number is cursed! I mean, people seem to like to call my sister’s cell to look for illegal substances and roofers… people who call me mistakenly are all in the midst of some family/relationship turmoil! Saturdays I usually leave my phone off while I try to sleep before work. When I woke up I had three voice mail messages. All of them were more or less like this (paraphrased and remembered poorly here): “Butch, (in a drunken and desperate voice with a sort of accent distinct to certain parts of New England) Its your mom, BUTCH. Please pick up. Its your mom, Butch. Butch dear, I worry about you. Won’t you call your mother? Butch…. Butch…” Well, Butch should probably call his mom wherever he is.

3.)Emily X: I get A LOT of email intended for a woman with the same maiden name. I know a bit about this woman at this point. I feel like I do a lot for this lady, though we have never been in contact. We got married the same year (imagine my confusion when I received congratulatory emails from people I had never heard of), we both live in New England, we both work on small-scale writing projects. We have a few common interests. Quite confusing. The difference? See, at first I would get critiques of stories that she had written. I felt pretty good about the fact that I believed her writing to be pretty bad. I don’t think she will make it as a sci-fi writer, but then again, I am not exactly working towards that, either. Maybe it is very, very hard to be a sci-fi writer… whatever. Lately, however, she has been getting SERIOUSLY LUCRATIVE OFFERS from law firms. It seems she devotes even more effort to her career as a VOLUNTEER advocate for children. I get these emails praising her up and down for the glorious hope she has given people. I feel a little worse about myself but, since I probably not the worst Emily that ever lived I always call or email the sender and inform them that we have some email mystery (we have the same former email address being forwarded into our accounts as far as Google is concerned- it is very odd) and that they should reach her by phone. I am always thanked.

You owe me, Emily X. You wouldn’t be where you are today without me!!

Here is the thing about all of that. I get her email, SHE MUST GET SOME OF MINE. It has been confirmed that since gmail dropped the “.” necessity between our first and last names that we indeed have the same former email addresses. So what does she get meant for me? Not invitations to exclusive fund-raising banquets! Not commendations for an excellent legal internship. I cringe to think! Maybe hate mail from ex-boyfriends? I have one really and truly crazy one that seems to have stopped sending me email. Maybe she is reading the crazy poems about biting off a man’s ear in Turkey? What about the Kabbalist I used to write for with messianic delusions? I have not heard from him in ages! I mean, I know he was miffed that I married someone else, but… I can never meet Emily X. NEVER.

I bet Emily X does not have to deal with a carpeted bathroom floor.

here is video of the day- Ladytron- yay!

carpet in the bathroom

That @#$# carpet always ruins my day.  Out of town guests coming by?  Great! Just NEVER let them use the facilities.  Sure, the discoloration is from like 532 tenants ago… GRRRR.   I have discussed this with the landlord.  He is not too concerned.  I may cry real tears over this soon.  I blame my husband’s allergies on that stupid thing.  My husband had a dreadful day of sneezing that upset my son (he likes to control who makes what noise and when) and I ended up being up most of the day after being up all of the night.

The things that should be noted about this weekend are the things that did not happen.  We did not go to two weddings.  We did not go to a child’s birthday party.  We did not go to my sister’s party.  We did not go to another barbecue.  I worked Friday overnight, Joe worked Saturday morning until noon.  I slept a bit and went back to work Saturday night until Sunday morning.  On Sunday I was a zombie and my husband was squinty-eyed and sneezey.  I suppose it could have been a very big weekend.  It ended up being nothing like a weekend at all.  I do not feel even slightly rested this morning.  I am not ready to take on anything.  I am ready to crawl back into bed and stay there for a few days.

I have never done that.  I will never do that.  As I write this I am already showered and preened beyond my usual Monday morning grooming as I am going out to lunch with a friend I have not seen in two years.  I have two PC laptops on the kitchen table that I am trying to bring back from the dead… oh yeah! My husband’s laptop died over the weekend.  THAT particular fact almost brought me to tears (maybe I do need more rest).  I mean, that thing is (was) his best friend.  He and that lap top have been together a few months longer than he and I have been together.  It is the fourth member of our family (actually, I believe my mp3 player might be the fifth).  I am going to surprise him by doing some Windows voo-doo (actually, nothing like that) and getting it to come back to him.  I have my arsenal of discs and the patience of a woman who is deeply owing sleep….

Yeah.

Because it was a weekend of blaaaaaaah (I would like to remind readers that I am a perfect mother on every single weekday, I swear- come here and see for yourself!) my son and I ended up watching an hour or so of this: Pingu.

We like it quite a lot.

Also, Bernie Mac and Isaac Hayes?  That was a double shocker…added to my surprise that Mikey Dread died last spring and I didn’t hear a word about it.  RIP!!

Here is “One More Time” from Sandinista.  One of my favorite Clash songs (well, all of the ones that have anything to do with Mikey Dread seem to be my favorites). Joe Strummer and Mikey Dread are both gone

I feel badly billing them with Pingu, but that is what happens when a person is as out of whack as I am today.

who care if it is raining?

video first today!

My husband is home today and we are going to kill time! Yes, kill it!  I think, uhm, we will start the morning with a trip to get coffee and pastry.  Then we will do nothing.  After doing nothing I plan to torture myself with a few miles of pain… then back to doing not much of anything.  I am not even thinking today.  I am just alive and alternating physical torture with just sort of hanging out.  Works for me. I mean, I read the news every hour or so, I keep the dishes and laundry done, I am running a few miles a day for once: IT IS RAINING- I CAN SIT AND READ AND NOT FEEL GUILTY, right?

  Am I wrong to be happy about this little rainy season?