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the end of september belongs to eddy grant

We had to listen to “Electric Avenue” 20 times? 30 times? -a lot of times, continuously in the car.  The Equals have made their way onto almost every playlist on my (ressurected) mp3 player.  My son has affirmed his rights as an individual living within our family… I guess it would be more accurate to say that the child is waging a small, tyranical era of control over a lot of the media in our home.  If he wants to listen to “Electric Avenue” fifty times we will probably let him.  If I want to update my blog? Read the headlines on my igoogle? Check my email?  He will crawl into my lap and navigate to lego.com and procede from there.  Turn on the television? He will turn it off.  The most I can get away with these days is NPR at a low volume in the kitchen or a an mp3 playlist tailored to his current tastes.

Hmm.

I chopped my left index finger very badly this week.  I am typing with nine fingers.  My typing has evolved from one finger plunking on the first bloody day to this nearly mastered all-but-the-chopped-one thing.  I am getting it down.  My husband and I are sort of fascinated at the speed of my skin’s regeneration.  I was sure I would be left mostly fingertipless.  I am wondering now which parts grow back?  I will probably be pretty scarred for a while… and for what?  One mostly scrapped dinner preparation?  My mom was hesitant to give me that set of knives for Mother’s Day.  Joe kept warning me.  No one has given me much of an ‘I told you so.’

The weird thing?  I had just finished listening to Harold Brodkey’s “Spring Fugue” read on a New Yorker podcast.  It is strange to hear a story of a spouse cutting their finger badly and then not long after find oneself on the phone with one’s own spouse explaining the same sort of carnage.  Seriously folks, it has been a very weird week.

How weird?  I wouldn’t even know how to really explain.  The fact that we did the same thing on three different days, the same things that we never do and never will do again: going to a hunting/fishing store?  Eating chinese food? Listening to Eddy Grant?  Listening to my mom’s “when I get sicker” stories turn to “when I am gone” stories… Just so odd.  At least the week had a soundtrack.  We can always reference that weird week that I chopped the end of my finger off, that my mother gave me her ‘what to do when’ information, that we spent time near a tank of trout………………………………………………

hmm.

Next week has just started.  I can’t really remember what sort of plans I have.  I think I am taking someone to the dentist.  I know I am meeting childhood friends for tea (I am sort of nervous about that), I know I will get some time in with another friend before she moves away! I really hope the rain lets up so the tot and I can have some early fall adventures.

I am posting no videos this time.  I know what the obvious choice is.  I will give in and post it later, from a different computer.

Hey! It is almost October!

i am still in my pajamas and it is 8:26 a.m.

This is not really a bad thing.  It has been a busy stretch since this time last week.  I worked overnights without the appropriate amount of catch-up sleep, I threw my dad a birthday party, I was all over the place for two days trying to assure that my parents had a good and relaxing experience while they were around.  For the most part, I had difficult conversations with my mom about her starting chemo and the odds that she might not be around. These are difficult conversations to have as my son gets more and more enamoured with her.  She is his favorite person, really.  I mean, imagine having everyone’s favorite elementary school teacher as your grandmother… and imagine you are her only grandchild.

He can have whatever he wants really, all he has to do is bring it up.   I usually stand in the way of a few things, but this week was tough, I just let it go.  Here are some great examples of just how far I let it all go (for anyone who has known me any length of time)… Taxidermy?  !!!!  Yeah… well, when my aunt sugested he go see the stuffed animals at the giant hunting goods store I SAID NOTHING.  My child looked at a giant stuffed moose and I said nothing (for now, I have stuff I can say to him later, but just for yesterday–).  Crab rangoon and crab rangoon alone for lunch???  Why the hell not.  Weird m&m type candies?  Go ahead.  Who am I?  Well, I can be different than people expect me to be.  I can let my kid get to know my family without my catty filter.  I can let him see things about where he comes from and enjoy it while he can.  I can do that!  I mean, there will be lots of time for me to tell him about growing up in the woods and being a vegetarian tagging along with my dad as he guided hunters through the woods…. all of that stuff.  I can make him eat his veggies before he has another fried thing another day.

So that is how I played it.  Anyway- I am so beat, I cannot believe I am on the computer right now!  This is something close to automatic writing, really!

So in other news I have a friend moving away.  My oldest friend, really.  We just reconnected at such a great time when we were at the same point in our lives… but you know, I really have no control over anything.  We did have a really good talk the other day.  It made me realize some things about myself and how I can treat myself.  I can’t fool everyone with my massive put-myself-down efforts.  I have to get back to whatever it was I used to be up to.  I don’t know.  Its sort of sad to remember the past pre-certain bad things, but it is good to know people who ‘knew you when’.

Speaking of which, I have a phone number that is burning a hole in my pocket(book… well bag of some sort).  I keep thinking I am going to call this person and set a time to meet her but my chicken-poopedness is really standing in my way.  I really feel like I am wide open for some sort of scathing judgment and a bit too vulnerable to deal with it right now.

CHILD TAKING COMPUTER NOW- MUST END.

this is sort of silly but worth noting somewhere…

…what did people do before wikipedia and imdb, etc?  So many times Joe and I are watching something and one of us will say ‘that is the woman who was in…” and the other will say ‘that is so not her, you are so wrong’.  In a few moments we have instant resolution.  It was indeed or was not that person.  He is right about 80% of the time, I am right about 20% of the time… I was right about Zac Efron on CSI Miami but wrong about all of those blonde actresses I assume are Mary Stuart Masterson.

And Wikipedia…  I think something and I can find information.  How great is that?  I hear a reference, I can check it out!  What did I do before? Head to the ’stacks’ and spend a night looking up every little reference I could? Nah! In under five minutes I am like six links in to a whole range of information I would have forgotten to even think about again.  Thanks 21st century!

Thanks cheapish Sambuca for another day of trivial blog inspiration.  I must follow up with a video BECAUSE I CAN.

and in other randomness-

I ran into a person who I thought totally HATED me.  A long time ago, we used to be friends (not like the Dandy Warhols song…that one does remind me of my husband though… excuse me- the state of the world has lead me to an extra cocktail like three nights a week  Its a solid excuse).  Anwyay- she was so nice to me.  I pledge to be waaaaaaaaaaaaaaay less paranoid and more optimistic.  I can do it.  I can live without fear of running into people at the supermarket…. I can invite people over for tea… I can do it!

AND- I just checked my blog stats… I CAN’T BELIEVE HOW MANY PEOPLE GET HERE LOOKING FOR BARNYARD PORN.  Barnyard porn?  C’mon.  That’s just ICK.

kabuli naan, sambuca, reisling, some sort of fried plaintain and curry thing….AND OH YEAH, BOOKS

I am in a better mood.  I am not sure that it is good to be in a better mood because one has spent the last few evenings enjoying some cullinary and, uhm, Bauchan delights?  Whatever it takes, right? I have spent a lot of time at the gym.  I think it will be my new slogan : “Enjoy life, break even”.  I will be persuaded to have that kabuli naan (coconut, no less) after polishing up that bottle of Reisling…. my oldest friend that I just found again is moving to Germany… oh woe.

So I guess the man and I will be visiting Germany.  Just yesterday my brother informed me that he and his wife are probably heading back to the UK to stay.  EVERYONE IS BAILING.  Fine! Move away.  I will expatriate soon… yeah, right.  The Joe and I have our thioughts- I mean, aaah never mind.  Things will improve.  Will I be part of an ex-pat community?  I guess that for now I will be friends with a few ex-pat community.

So hear this people who read my blog and live in the sort of area.  I want to start a book club.  I need adult book related conversation.  I need to entertain once a month.  I am so serious.  I had this notion that I could find some willing participants, we could all suggest one book- everyone could buy a used, cheap copy on Amazon, we could post comments on some sort of forum online and then each month rotate houses to meet at and discuss the thing to death.  Not complicated.  This all stemmed from my depression that I was saddened by David Foster Wallaces’s death and no one knew who he was.  People! Talk to me.

I think the next group I will be starting will be something like “crazy left leaning women frantically making jam for some reason’.  Seriously, I wanted to make jam today but, alas, all of the ingredients are not within my cupboards and I will not be traveling to the supermarket until tonight.

I have this boundless energy lately.  It is amazing considering that I gave up coffee (our french press is broken anyway!).  I think it is nervous energy.  I actually enjoy running it off.

video of the day is an inside shout-out:

i really hope the sky is not falling or anything

Listening to the news sure is depressing today.  I don’t like to talk politics/news/etc here because… well, I talk about it all of the time and frankly, I need some place where I talk about something else: my little life.  Still… If anyone needs any of my food budgeting tips I would be happy to give them.  I have fed a family of three on less than $50.00 a week.  I have tactics.

In other crappy crap: My mother got a more concrete diagnosis: a very rare cancer.  The prognosis is hard to say.

I picked up the local weekend paper yesterday to learn that a girl my son has played with in the park had moved here because an American sniper mistakenly shot her in the head in Iraq.  If that is not depressing, I do not know what is.

So what is happy stuff?  Not the economy, but, uh…. I mean, we are happy day to day around here.  I spent a lot of the day organizing books while hearing more and more and more about the Lehman Bros. bankrupty and the Merrill Lynch buyout.  My son now has a well-arranged library.  It was a little chaotic before.  A small scale victory around here.  Goodbye to all the baby board books.  I believe the house is now free of all things baby save for a couple of maternity shirts and baby blankets I saved for potential babies not to be grown in my own belly.  I am always hoping that people I know will have babies/more babies but I would understand at this point why someone might be afraid to add a person on to the world.

What else?  As I write this I am attempting to put together some sort of family film for my father.  It is his birthday tomorrow and it is very hard to find a fitting card for a father who would never wear a tie, hates golf, loathes football, doesn’t really drink beer… Apparently the card companies have not really tried to make cards for 50s-ish men who are mostly into classic rock AND new age music who devote a lot of time to reading books about conspiracies and riding their motorcycles on back roads.  I didn’t see a card that said something like “we all know the government is out to get you….”.  So, he gets to see us clowning around.  That is precious, right? What dad/grandfather wouldn’t like that?  Maybe its not really very interesting at all.  I give up.

Today is a randomly warm day.  I heard that Ike has brought a hot, humid wind up through here (a non-destructive wind at this point, as it has traveled inland across the entire country).  I look forward to crisp-temps again.  I was really enjoying sweater weather!

My brother has returned from the UK and we are supposed to be planning a b-day bash for my dad- my parents will be visiting next week.  I am attempting a four layer chocolate peanut butter torte.  I love to cook- but honestly my baking has disappointed me at times.  I am trying to perfect it these days.  This morning I woke up and for some reason made cinnamon rolls that I will force my husband to eat later.  They look very good- but that is more simple than a torte.  Last week I made apple crisp, next week I start on the pumpkin stuff…  When I am restless/nervous/stressed I cook and store.  Lately I also clean and sort.  Nothing like productive stress, right?

I can see how people become really boring. Ten years ago (when the internet was so new) my blog would have been CRAZY.   Trust me, so interesting!  Now?  Not only have I been cooking and cleaning, I have actually thought to myself several times ‘my grandmother’s quilt looks really good on my bed’.  See?  I think its just the weird wind.  It is making me dull.

I never tire at looking up at trees

.

falling back in order

Order is a key concept for me lately.  I had a few (or more) tired, achey, sloppy, messy, cranky weeks.  Monday morning I woke up feeling like my old, better self.  I cleaned my room, I answered my email, I went to the gym- I did all of the things I had been putting off for a while.  I am a bit of a neurotic and I cannot deal with myself, much less the world, if I don’t have at least a little bit of a schedule and at least a part of the apartment that is tidy to my specs.  I can start from there and get back into the swing of things.  I really can.

In favor of order I will divide things into two catagories today: ’scary’ and ‘good’.  Good is not the opposite of scary, its not meant to be taken that way.

Scary-

I turned on the radio yesterday to hear WAY TOO MUCH about the particle accelerator (and yet not enough to be reassured at all).  I was actually scared for a portion of the day.  I made a mental note to be extra attentive to my son for the rest of the day and also to make sure to ‘do it’ with my husband last night…. next on my list was to consider what it might take to make my peace (quickly) with existence.  This was all disolved with a phone call from my father-in-law.  He knows quite a bit about physics and I was reminded that scientists know a lot more about what is happening than the dumbasses on the radio.  I was also reminded that I am a very paranoid person (and the real time to worry is when they start the actual collisions in a month or so…. jk).

A man was shot down the street two mornings ago.  It was around the block, like 50-100 feet from my house.  No suspects have been charged yet because they simply do not have suspects.

Sarah Palin.

My dreams!! OMG, they are insane.  I am going to start blaming facebook.  Its somehow brought the bad or strange memories of highschool and college back into my unconscious world.  Yuck!!! I could do an entire entry on my feelings/fears about Facebook… but it would only further point out how amazing it is that I have not moved out to a cabin in the woods all by myself yet…..

My son and I got on this global penpal site to meet other mothers and children around the world.  We did find ourselves a couple of solid penpals.  I also found that I could not remove my address from the service and that most of the emails I get are from men looking for something, I am not sure what.  This morning I got an email ‘re: adultery’.  The content?  Pictures of a naked woman being run out of town and men (clothed) chased her with pointy sticks.  This was apparently from somewhere in sub-saharan Africa (I won’t give a country and make anyone feel ashamed, right?) WHAT THE HELL???  That was scary.

So…..

GOOD.

I have health insurance and a doctor and am looking forward to the end of pain!! Yes!! The end of pain!

I ran into an old boss this morning at the local farmer’s market.  He filled me in on some of the things that have gone on after I quit.  People listened to me in my exit interview!! I have been replaying the stress of that job over and over in my head for nothing.  All is forgiven, bad people were fired… I don’t have to get a stomach-ache every time I hear the company name anymore.  Plus, it was nice to see him.  He was a nice boss.

I make the most excellent potato-leek soup this morning.  Its beautiful!! Little flecks of purple potato skin in a creamy light-green soup?  Go me.

I have got used to Stevia and it has kept me from drinking so much coffee.  I am not sure how, but now I have a lesser vice and nerves that are more sound in general.

The weather is amazing! I love the begining of fall in the air!  Its almost pumpkin time!

I think I have been getting enough sleep, somehow.  I don’t even know how that is possible.

I have been to the gym consistently.  I feel so much better when I really work out.  It also helps with the nuttiness.  Anyone who works overnights probably understands the hole a person can sink into- stop exercising… eat whatever, whenever- sleep the same way… ick- it gets weird

Right now we are sort of camping in my bedroom.  We spent the morning outdoors and now we are in the middle of the big dark forest.  I set up my son’s tent and the drapes are shut- its a little cold– I took a break (well, actually, he kicked me out for a while so he could close the tent and make some animals talk some serious talk that moms aren’t supposed to be in on or something) but I am going back in soon to ’sleep in the deep, dark forest.’

Have a great day!

(sorry about the quality on the video, its what I could get!)

this song and this sort of ‘back to school’ weather make me feel like I did when I was 12 years old:)

turn off the phone, drink some water, turn on the fans…

Bah!

First off, how did it get to be 90 degrees?  How did it get to be so warm WHILE I WAS TWO MILES FROM HOME ON FOOT WITH A CHILD HOLDING ON TO ME?  That is my first lament.  Not a big one, but I just didn’t think it would be so warm today (warm for here, warm for wearing a silk knit tunic– whatever.

Soooooo- Aw, I won’t even get into it.  If the phone rings and I don’t recognize the number immediately: bad news.  I am pretty sure I have hit some sort of death-death-in-the-family cap for the year, so now it will all be other sorts of stress.  People will do terrible things to our car and drive away, there will be problems with any sort of plan I put in motion, I will throw up on something or my eye will start swelling up— haha!

but I don’t want to get into it.  People have it way worse.  I have nothing that hits ‘crisis level’.  It is ‘cranky level’.

Yup!

I was thinking it would be great to call a friend to go out and get a drink tonight but 1)drinks cost money and 2) maybe I am getting a stomach ulcer or something (???????)- I think I will just try to cool off the apartment and find a book.

I would like to guarantee that I will be back to this blog next week with riveting, new, non-complain-y content.  I can’t be sure but I can try.  Certain things about next week make me feel optimistic.  Also, I just have this gut feeling that its just gotta get a bit better.  Besides, fall is around the corner.  It is time for the best time of year, right?

oh gosh oh gee YUCK

I hurt. The countdown to having health care (at a great cost, btw) is getting smaller… but- I don’t know if that makes today a much better day. I haven’t felt much like writing anything. Honestly, after working all weekend and feeling off I just want to sleep. I did sleep… now I just want to sleep more. I have a case of the blaaaahhhhs. The blahs from not feeling awesome and trying not to stress about it. Whatever? Whatever. The Palin media-frenzy is making me more miffed by the second. ITS THE ISSUES, dummies. And… secondly, don’t insult me with a person who doesn’t seem to be a serious choice in terms of helping this country where it is needed. Have I alienated any conservative readers? I don’t care anymore. If you can offer me some explanation as to why, in a country that is supposedly so far ahead in so many respects, two educated people who work hard (and I mean it, we aren’t money wasters, the only thing we have that we don’t own free and clear is our fuel efficient car!) can’t obtain a little security or at least find out what is causing pain/moodiness/tiredness….

Oh yeah, someone knocked the mirror off of our car this morning and took off. No responsibility claimed whatsoever. Thank you! This is the sort of thing that really gets to me. I once knocked someone’s mirror off. It was pitch dark, three a.m. and you know what? I not only wrote a note with my contact information but I went back the next day checkbook in hand.

I am grumpy.

I had a very busy week last week. We had visitors and visits to make and stuff to do and then straight to night shift for me and I slept a lot, but I am not back to it. I mean, I am really, really, really tired.

I wish I had something uplifting and wonderful to add today… I am sure I am not so not-happy, this is a bit of a downbeat moment (listened to the news: hurricanes, RNC, war, economy…). I will just sit for a little while and get over myself:)